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Archive for August, 2012

Outerworld (1987) – Surprise, Surprise, Another Crappy Sci-Fi Film

Not sure what I expected… But I have watched another shitty Sci-fi film that should have been left in the depths of the 1980s.

1987’s Outerworld (also known as Beyond the Rising Moon) is a Sci-Fi romance revenge action film that fails in all those genres (and sub-genres). Starring Tracy Davis as Pentan, a genetically created hired killer that turns against her employer when she starts to question her existence and what she has been forced to do in her work.

Oh, hell was this crappy… but weirdly when I did a search, I actually found someone who loves this movie. Well, there’s no accounting for taste.

Well, I hate this movie but here’s a damned trailer for you!:

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The Dungeonmaster (1984) – Really? REALLY?!!?

I just finished watching the 1984’s The Dungeonmaster (also known as Ragewar), and I am asking myself why I do this to myself.

Starring Richard Moll (Bull fronm Night Court and the bad Demon guy from almost every mid-1980s to mid-1990s movie that had such a character), as Mestema (the Devil, I guess) and some random shitty actors. Mestema kidnaps a super computer nerd and his fiancée, making them battle/defeat evil in several different scenarios. The only weapon Nerd-Boy has is an electronic wrist gauntlet that allows him to communicate with his unrealistically advanced computer system (hey, this is freakin’ 1984), and shoot lasers and other energy beams. The movie finally culminates if a damned fight (like a fist fight but less exciting) between Nerd-Boy and Mestema.

Yeah… Don’t watch this steaming pile of turd.

Here’s the trailer (yay!):


Hooper (1978) – Truly Cool

I have a confession to make: when this movie came out, I snuck into it with my buddy Craig by climbing under the fence of the local drive in. We were nine years old and his parents thought we were hanging out in the basement watching TV… good time.

That aside, I have always thought that this was a fun movie about a cool, ageing stuntman, Sonny Hooper (played by Burt Reynolds), on the set of a blockbuster movie. The movie is about his coming to grips with ageing and competition from younger, up and coming stuntmen, his relationship with Gwen (played by Sally Fields) and being potentially paralysed by doing and incredible jump over a gorge  in a rocket car as well as dealing with a prick of a director, played by Robert Klein.

Look, Burt Reynolds is cool and this is a cool movie. Many movies that I liked as a kid seem crappy when I watch them now, but this is not one of them. I find the characters fun and compelling and generally a fun movie with the right amount of action to dialogue. The supporting cast is just strong enough with actors like Brian Keith, Jan-Michael Vincent and James Best (Rosco from The Dukes of Hazzard).

I would say that if you’re looking for a fun, action paced movie then go for it – Hooper is a fun romp.

Here is the trailer:


Baseketball (1998) – A Movie Too Long – Much Too Long

1998’s Baseketball movie, from Trey Parker and Matt Stone had a good chance at being good (enough), but failed by being too freakin’ long.

A spoof of sports and sport movies, Baseketball started off reasonable well with quite a few silly laughs… BUT IT NEVER FUCKING ENDS!!! Just like the ridiculously long post season in their made up sport, Baseketball – a combination of basketball and baseball – this is just stupidly long for the amount of story.

I don’t know, but if someone were to take out the extraneous stuff and compile it into a more concise, 60 minute or so video, then this would be way more watchable.

Here’s what Wikipedia has to say about it (there WILL be spoilers – too bad):

At Game 6 of the 1977 World Series, Joe “Coop” Cooper catches Reggie Jackson’s third home run in the stands and proclaims to his best friend, Doug Remer, that “One day, I’m gonna be a big sports star.”

16 years later, Coop (Trey Parker) and Remer (Matt Stone) are 23 and unemployed and about to have their gas shut off. They arrive uninvited at a party hosted by a former high school classmate of theirs. After finding out that their classmates have grown up and moved on with their lives, Coop and Remer find themselves outside drinking beer and shooting hoops on the driveway basketball court. There, two other former classmates challenge them to a game. The two see that their opponents are very good at basketball, so they say they will only play a new game they picked up “in the hood”. Clearly making this new game up as they go, Coop originally proposes the game Horse, but changes it tobasketball with baseball rules: shots made from different locations count as singles, doubles, triples, and home runs, and missed shots count as outs. During the challenger’s first shot, Coop “psyches” him out to make him miss; this is another rule made up on the spot. A “psyche out” can be anything said or done that makes the offense lose their concentration and miss their shot. Essentially “BASEketball” is a hybrid of “Horse,” “Around The World” and a lot of trash talking. Coop and Remer continue playing their new game, “BASEketball”, and add a third member to their team, Kenny “Squeak” Scolari (Dian Bachar).

Six months later, people come from miles around to watch them play the game they created against other neighborhood teams. Ted Denslow (Ernest Borgnine) shows up to propose creation of the National BASEketball League (NBL), with numerous rules in place to prevent the sport from deteriorating as other sports had done: teams cannot switch cities, players cannot be traded, and individuals cannot make money via corporate sponsorship deals.

Five years after creation of the league, the NBL is in full swing with stadiums, teams, fans, and a major championship (the Denslow Cup). During the 1997 championship, Denslow, who is the owner of the Milwaukee Beers for whom Coop and Remer both play, chokes on a hot dog and dies. Denslow’s will grants Coop ownership of the Beers for one year; if they do not win the next Denslow Cup, ownership reverts to Denslow’s widow Yvette (Jenny McCarthy).

The owner of the Dallas Felons, Baxter Cain (Robert Vaughn), wants to change the league rules to allow teams to move cities and players to switch teams, but could not accomplish this while Denslow was alive. Yvette would have been willing to comply had she been given ownership of the team, but Coop refuses to accept any of the proposed changes. Cain and Yvette work together to make sure the Beers will lose the next Denslow Cup and Yvette will win ownership of the team.

In a private conversation at Cain’s office, Cain tells Remer that Coop has said no to Cain’s plans without talking to the other members of the Beers. Remer then goes to the Beers behind Coop’s back and tells the team what he learned from Cain. After Remer and the other members of the Beers confront him, Coop agrees to split all decision making with Remer and the team. The team continues to agree that the rules should not be changed. Coop also seemingly enters into a relationship with Jenna, despite Remer’s attempts to get between them.

Cain cuts the funds to Jenna’s foundation, forcing Coop and Remer to ask Cain for help. Cain suggests creating a clothing line and sending the proceeds to her foundation. Coop is entirely against it, but Remer, as part team owner, immediately agrees, and becomes so obsessed with his newfound fame that he alienates Coop. After they win the league semifinals, Cain informs Coop and Remer through photos that their clothing line has been produced through child labor inCalcutta. If the public learns about it, the team and Jenna’s foundation will be ruined. Cain threatens to show the photos to the public unless Coop and Remer lose or skip the Denslow Cup game. Jenna learns about the child labor scandal and breaks it off with Coop. Coop blames Remer for the mess and they have a falling out, and Coop decides to go to Calcutta to resolve the situation.

Coop replaces all the child workers in the factory with adult workers and makes it back just as the fifth annual Denslow Cup begins. The Beers start with an abysmal performance, failing to make one hit in six innings. At the seventh-inning stretch, the Beers are down 16–0. After a moving speech from Squeak, Coop and Remer reconcile their differences and Yvette breaks off her alliance with Cain. Coop, Remer, and Squeak finally get back into the game and start scoring.

In the bottom of the ninth, Remer is on second, Squeak is on third, and Coop is up when his custom-made BASEketball (La-Z-Boy) pops. Joey brings Coop a new custom-made BASEketball made from a Barcalounger. Coop misses, but successfully completes the conversion, which is considered a home run for the win and the Denslow Cup. He meets Reggie Jackson after the game, who wishes him luck in the next season. Coop and Jenna reunite while Remer hooks up with Yvette, as the team happily carries Squeak on the Denslow Cup. 


So… I dunno, watch the movie if you want, as there are laughs, but to be honest, I wish I had spent the time watching something else.

Here is the trailer:


Ghosts of Mars (2001) – If You Liked This, You Need to See a Specialist

Once again I have been bored by a movie that had no right to be boring.

Here`s what the movie is about: and excavation on Mars releases a virus (or something like that) that infects people, who them, in effect, become ancient Martians – war like ancient Martians.

Look, all the director would have had to do was add some more fight scenes, explosions (maybe some nudity…maybe), and I would have been fine.

Hell, I like John Carpenter movies…but I don`t like this.

Instead, I got more boring shit. Hell, even adding Icecube to the cast didn`t help.

Don`t watch this shitty movie.

Here`s the shitty trailer for this shitty movie… It`s a shitty trailer:


They Call Me Bruce? (1982) – Silly Kung-Fu Fun

OK… When I was a kid growing up in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada I remember this movie from the trailer on TV and the fact that everyone seemed to be talking about it. It seemed like this movie played forever at the local, Jasper Place Theatre. That said, this morning is the first time I’ve seen it – and it is a load of silly, Kung-Fu movie spoof fun.

Bruce is sent out, as a boy to go to the U.S of A. and find his mother who would take care of him (his Grandfather was dying when he instructed him to do so). We next see Bruce (not his real name, just what everyone calls him) working as a cook for a Mafia Boss in the U.S. The Mafia boss decides to use Bruce to deliver some cocaine to dealers in Chicago, letting Bruce believe that it`s his special Chinese flour (for use in noodles). They set him up with a driver/Mafioso to get him there and try to keep him out of prison and out of the hands of rivals.  Along the way they run into various obstacles that Bruce gets them out of in silly, accidental ways.

I really don’t want to tell you the story, other than that. This is a very dumb movie, but with a load of charm. You can’t help but like Bruce, as he is a simple, dumb guy with a heavy dose of luck on his side. I say watch it if you like spook Kung-Fu movies. I do and I liked it.

Here is the trailer:


Ghoulies (1985) – Why Was This Made?

Just finished watching 1985’s Ghoulies and I’ve been left wondering why this film was made. No compelling actors or performances, the “monsters looked like the Boglins puppets that were available in the 80s (but not as good), and unlike other movies in this genre, there wasn’t even any gratuitous tits or ass.

Ok… A guy, Jonathan, inherits an old mansion, discovers an old book wrapped in some ornate robes. Reads the book, which compels him to perform a ritual, raising a demon/moster thing…and then two midgets/dwarves who do his bidding. All this leads to him becoming possessed in a way. Luring his friends to the home, he performs a bigger ceremony that releases what apparently was his evil, estranged, dead father and the two feebly battle. The caretaker of the house (who is very powerful) commes to the guy’d defence… Yeah, fuck this.

I didn’t like it.

Here is the trailer: