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Archive for August, 2012

Outerworld (1987) – Surprise, Surprise, Another Crappy Sci-Fi Film

Not sure what I expected… But I have watched another shitty Sci-fi film that should have been left in the depths of the 1980s.

1987’s Outerworld (also known as Beyond the Rising Moon) is a Sci-Fi romance revenge action film that fails in all those genres (and sub-genres). Starring Tracy Davis as Pentan, a genetically created hired killer that turns against her employer when she starts to question her existence and what she has been forced to do in her work.

Oh, hell was this crappy… but weirdly when I did a search, I actually found someone who loves this movie. Well, there’s no accounting for taste.

Well, I hate this movie but here’s a damned trailer for you!:


The Dungeonmaster (1984) – Really? REALLY?!!?

I just finished watching the 1984’s The Dungeonmaster (also known as Ragewar), and I am asking myself why I do this to myself.

Starring Richard Moll (Bull fronm Night Court and the bad Demon guy from almost every mid-1980s to mid-1990s movie that had such a character), as Mestema (the Devil, I guess) and some random shitty actors. Mestema kidnaps a super computer nerd and his fiancée, making them battle/defeat evil in several different scenarios. The only weapon Nerd-Boy has is an electronic wrist gauntlet that allows him to communicate with his unrealistically advanced computer system (hey, this is freakin’ 1984), and shoot lasers and other energy beams. The movie finally culminates if a damned fight (like a fist fight but less exciting) between Nerd-Boy and Mestema.

Yeah… Don’t watch this steaming pile of turd.

Here’s the trailer (yay!):


Hooper (1978) – Truly Cool

I have a confession to make: when this movie came out, I snuck into it with my buddy Craig by climbing under the fence of the local drive in. We were nine years old and his parents thought we were hanging out in the basement watching TV… good time.

That aside, I have always thought that this was a fun movie about a cool, ageing stuntman, Sonny Hooper (played by Burt Reynolds), on the set of a blockbuster movie. The movie is about his coming to grips with ageing and competition from younger, up and coming stuntmen, his relationship with Gwen (played by Sally Fields) and being potentially paralysed by doing and incredible jump over a gorge  in a rocket car as well as dealing with a prick of a director, played by Robert Klein.

Look, Burt Reynolds is cool and this is a cool movie. Many movies that I liked as a kid seem crappy when I watch them now, but this is not one of them. I find the characters fun and compelling and generally a fun movie with the right amount of action to dialogue. The supporting cast is just strong enough with actors like Brian Keith, Jan-Michael Vincent and James Best (Rosco from The Dukes of Hazzard).

I would say that if you’re looking for a fun, action paced movie then go for it – Hooper is a fun romp.

Here is the trailer:


Baseketball (1998) – A Movie Too Long – Much Too Long

1998’s Baseketball movie, from Trey Parker and Matt Stone had a good chance at being good (enough), but failed by being too freakin’ long.

A spoof of sports and sport movies, Baseketball started off reasonable well with quite a few silly laughs… BUT IT NEVER FUCKING ENDS!!! Just like the ridiculously long post season in their made up sport, Baseketball – a combination of basketball and baseball – this is just stupidly long for the amount of story.

I don’t know, but if someone were to take out the extraneous stuff and compile it into a more concise, 60 minute or so video, then this would be way more watchable.

Here’s what Wikipedia has to say about it (there WILL be spoilers – too bad):

At Game 6 of the 1977 World Series, Joe “Coop” Cooper catches Reggie Jackson’s third home run in the stands and proclaims to his best friend, Doug Remer, that “One day, I’m gonna be a big sports star.”

16 years later, Coop (Trey Parker) and Remer (Matt Stone) are 23 and unemployed and about to have their gas shut off. They arrive uninvited at a party hosted by a former high school classmate of theirs. After finding out that their classmates have grown up and moved on with their lives, Coop and Remer find themselves outside drinking beer and shooting hoops on the driveway basketball court. There, two other former classmates challenge them to a game. The two see that their opponents are very good at basketball, so they say they will only play a new game they picked up “in the hood”. Clearly making this new game up as they go, Coop originally proposes the game Horse, but changes it tobasketball with baseball rules: shots made from different locations count as singles, doubles, triples, and home runs, and missed shots count as outs. During the challenger’s first shot, Coop “psyches” him out to make him miss; this is another rule made up on the spot. A “psyche out” can be anything said or done that makes the offense lose their concentration and miss their shot. Essentially “BASEketball” is a hybrid of “Horse,” “Around The World” and a lot of trash talking. Coop and Remer continue playing their new game, “BASEketball”, and add a third member to their team, Kenny “Squeak” Scolari (Dian Bachar).

Six months later, people come from miles around to watch them play the game they created against other neighborhood teams. Ted Denslow (Ernest Borgnine) shows up to propose creation of the National BASEketball League (NBL), with numerous rules in place to prevent the sport from deteriorating as other sports had done: teams cannot switch cities, players cannot be traded, and individuals cannot make money via corporate sponsorship deals.

Five years after creation of the league, the NBL is in full swing with stadiums, teams, fans, and a major championship (the Denslow Cup). During the 1997 championship, Denslow, who is the owner of the Milwaukee Beers for whom Coop and Remer both play, chokes on a hot dog and dies. Denslow’s will grants Coop ownership of the Beers for one year; if they do not win the next Denslow Cup, ownership reverts to Denslow’s widow Yvette (Jenny McCarthy).

The owner of the Dallas Felons, Baxter Cain (Robert Vaughn), wants to change the league rules to allow teams to move cities and players to switch teams, but could not accomplish this while Denslow was alive. Yvette would have been willing to comply had she been given ownership of the team, but Coop refuses to accept any of the proposed changes. Cain and Yvette work together to make sure the Beers will lose the next Denslow Cup and Yvette will win ownership of the team.

In a private conversation at Cain’s office, Cain tells Remer that Coop has said no to Cain’s plans without talking to the other members of the Beers. Remer then goes to the Beers behind Coop’s back and tells the team what he learned from Cain. After Remer and the other members of the Beers confront him, Coop agrees to split all decision making with Remer and the team. The team continues to agree that the rules should not be changed. Coop also seemingly enters into a relationship with Jenna, despite Remer’s attempts to get between them.

Cain cuts the funds to Jenna’s foundation, forcing Coop and Remer to ask Cain for help. Cain suggests creating a clothing line and sending the proceeds to her foundation. Coop is entirely against it, but Remer, as part team owner, immediately agrees, and becomes so obsessed with his newfound fame that he alienates Coop. After they win the league semifinals, Cain informs Coop and Remer through photos that their clothing line has been produced through child labor inCalcutta. If the public learns about it, the team and Jenna’s foundation will be ruined. Cain threatens to show the photos to the public unless Coop and Remer lose or skip the Denslow Cup game. Jenna learns about the child labor scandal and breaks it off with Coop. Coop blames Remer for the mess and they have a falling out, and Coop decides to go to Calcutta to resolve the situation.

Coop replaces all the child workers in the factory with adult workers and makes it back just as the fifth annual Denslow Cup begins. The Beers start with an abysmal performance, failing to make one hit in six innings. At the seventh-inning stretch, the Beers are down 16–0. After a moving speech from Squeak, Coop and Remer reconcile their differences and Yvette breaks off her alliance with Cain. Coop, Remer, and Squeak finally get back into the game and start scoring.

In the bottom of the ninth, Remer is on second, Squeak is on third, and Coop is up when his custom-made BASEketball (La-Z-Boy) pops. Joey brings Coop a new custom-made BASEketball made from a Barcalounger. Coop misses, but successfully completes the conversion, which is considered a home run for the win and the Denslow Cup. He meets Reggie Jackson after the game, who wishes him luck in the next season. Coop and Jenna reunite while Remer hooks up with Yvette, as the team happily carries Squeak on the Denslow Cup. 


So… I dunno, watch the movie if you want, as there are laughs, but to be honest, I wish I had spent the time watching something else.

Here is the trailer:


Ghosts of Mars (2001) – If You Liked This, You Need to See a Specialist

Once again I have been bored by a movie that had no right to be boring.

Here`s what the movie is about: and excavation on Mars releases a virus (or something like that) that infects people, who them, in effect, become ancient Martians – war like ancient Martians.

Look, all the director would have had to do was add some more fight scenes, explosions (maybe some nudity…maybe), and I would have been fine.

Hell, I like John Carpenter movies…but I don`t like this.

Instead, I got more boring shit. Hell, even adding Icecube to the cast didn`t help.

Don`t watch this shitty movie.

Here`s the shitty trailer for this shitty movie… It`s a shitty trailer:


They Call Me Bruce? (1982) – Silly Kung-Fu Fun

OK… When I was a kid growing up in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada I remember this movie from the trailer on TV and the fact that everyone seemed to be talking about it. It seemed like this movie played forever at the local, Jasper Place Theatre. That said, this morning is the first time I’ve seen it – and it is a load of silly, Kung-Fu movie spoof fun.

Bruce is sent out, as a boy to go to the U.S of A. and find his mother who would take care of him (his Grandfather was dying when he instructed him to do so). We next see Bruce (not his real name, just what everyone calls him) working as a cook for a Mafia Boss in the U.S. The Mafia boss decides to use Bruce to deliver some cocaine to dealers in Chicago, letting Bruce believe that it`s his special Chinese flour (for use in noodles). They set him up with a driver/Mafioso to get him there and try to keep him out of prison and out of the hands of rivals.  Along the way they run into various obstacles that Bruce gets them out of in silly, accidental ways.

I really don’t want to tell you the story, other than that. This is a very dumb movie, but with a load of charm. You can’t help but like Bruce, as he is a simple, dumb guy with a heavy dose of luck on his side. I say watch it if you like spook Kung-Fu movies. I do and I liked it.

Here is the trailer:


Ghoulies (1985) – Why Was This Made?

Just finished watching 1985’s Ghoulies and I’ve been left wondering why this film was made. No compelling actors or performances, the “monsters looked like the Boglins puppets that were available in the 80s (but not as good), and unlike other movies in this genre, there wasn’t even any gratuitous tits or ass.

Ok… A guy, Jonathan, inherits an old mansion, discovers an old book wrapped in some ornate robes. Reads the book, which compels him to perform a ritual, raising a demon/moster thing…and then two midgets/dwarves who do his bidding. All this leads to him becoming possessed in a way. Luring his friends to the home, he performs a bigger ceremony that releases what apparently was his evil, estranged, dead father and the two feebly battle. The caretaker of the house (who is very powerful) commes to the guy’d defence… Yeah, fuck this.

I didn’t like it.

Here is the trailer:


The Terror Within (1989) – Terrible Throughout

This 1989 post plague apocalypse film, set in a compound beneath the desert in America is a tough watch.

A plague has laid waste to almost the entire population, with small pockets in underground outposts surviving. A vaccine has been developed to combat that plague, but as noted next to no one is left to administer that vaccine to. Add to that, monster/mutants called “Gargoyles” terrorize the remaining humans. One group, trapped in their underground complex, is terrorized by one of the =creatures that escaped as they attempted to abort it from a lone woman they found, frightened and lost outside their bunker… That’s right: the monsters are impregnating humans. If that wasn’t bad enough, those foetus grow at an alarming rate – maturing in hours and killing their host mother. Most of the 87 minutes is spent watching these people running around trying to kill this creature loose in their base. Oh… And one of the hold outs gets attacked, raped and then dies trying to abort her monster baby.

The creature is interesting looking, and the film starts (for a short period of time) vetran “that guy” actor George Kennedy. Even so, this movie is rather lack lustre and kinda’ boring. To me it had the feeling of a made for TV movie (which it isn’t).

I can’t recommend this film as it just doesn’t have enough going for it. That being said, the film seems to be available on Youtube in it’s entirety so if you want to check it out, it’s not going to cost you anything other than 87 minutes of your time. That link can be found below the trailer (for as long as it lasts, that is).

Check out the trailer here:


Blubberella (2012)- I Have Watched the Only Watchable Uwe Boll Movie

Uwe Boll is probably my least favourite movie maker, and yet I’ve just watched a watchable  movie by him.

Now, don’t get me wrong, this is not a good movie, but it is a funny movie. A scene for scene spoof of BloodRayne…ummm 3 according to Wikipedia. Made with the same cast and location and crew, I’m guessing Boll probably filmed them at that exact same time.

An obese dhampir (half human and half vampire), joins the resistance and takes on Hitler and his minions. Completely tasteless, and inappropriate, it managed to make me laugh in a few places. 

Want to watch it? Then you should – it can be found in the cheap DVD bin of many department stores. Would I recommend it? No, because I refuse to recommend anything Uwe Boll makes until the World realizes that he needs to be stopped. That said, I was not bored and I laughed – more than I can say about many of the movies on this blog.

Here’s the trailer:


Reader Suggestion: Blubberella

So I have received a new suggestion from reader, Brian: Blubbberella

Apparently an obese half vampire half human defeats the Nazis (or so I have gathered so far).

I’ll be watching this in the next week or so, so keep reading!


Not of This Earth (1988) – Horribly Horrible Movie

Oh my god… this was freakin’ painful to watch. 

1988’s Not of This Earth is a horrible remake of the already horrible Sci-Fi Roger Corman film of 1957. Since the original was horrible, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that this film was horrible also… But this horrible? Ugh.

A dying member of a dying alien race is on Earth and has discovered the elixer that can prolong his and races life: Human blood. Using his amazing glowing eyes to take control of the minds of his victims. It looks like he might be unstoppable.

He (the alien) hires a local nurse (played by the sexy Traci Lords) to administer transfusions from legal sources of blood, while at night he supplements with the blood of his victims (mostly hookers).

Aside from some tits and ass shots, this movie really has no redeeming value – even to me, a huge supporter of shitty films. I say don’t freakin’ bother with this shitty film.

Here is the trailer:


My Name is Nobody (1973) – So Fun, It Almost Hurts

1973’s Sergio Leone comedic Spaghetti Western, My Name is Nobody is an amazing wild west romp. This might be one of my top 5 (or so) Westerns. It’s just that entertaining.

This is a low budget (like all Spaghetti Westerns) movie that tells the story of a young, laid back gun slinger that goes by the name Nobody (played by Terrence Hill) that idolizes a wizened, older gunslinger by the name of Jack Beauregard (played by the late and great Henry Fonda) who only wants to retire peacefully in Europe. Unfortunately Beuregard’s enemies have other plans for him.

Nobody has a romantic vision of Beauregard’s last hurrah as him versus the Wild Bunch: 150 wild, outlaws riding together. Beauregard, of course, isn’t so enthusiastic about this vision. Nobody spend most of the movie shadowing Beauregard, helping him here and there, eventually gaining his trust (kinda) and friendship (also kinda’).

This is a roller coaster ride of gunslinging and laughs. Filmed in various locations, with lots of over dubbed voices… it just oozes charm. Look, don’t take my freakin’ word for it watch it for your self. The movie has lapsed into the public domain, and the copies you may find will most likely be low quality, but don’t let that scare you – it will transcend it’s visual quality with it’s artistic quality. You’ll find a link to the whole movie below the clip.

Here is the trailer:


The Crater Lake Monster (1977) – Somebody Give This Monster About Threefiddy…

The Crater Lake Monster is a terrible movie about an ancient Dinosaur that is disturbed when a meteor crashes into the lake. Of course that monster starts eating everyone it can get.

Looks like a Plesiosaur has hatched when it’s ancient egg was warmed when this meteorite crashed and settled on the bottom of crater lake. A fisherman, and a handful of random people become it’s victims. Scientists, already at the lake studying nearby native cave painting (that of course include a painting of hunters trying to kill an aquatic dinosaur, want to study the creature while the local police officer wants it dead.

This movie stars pretty much no one, and the creature is an awkwardly animated beast… There really isn’t a lot going for it.

Wow… Why do I like this movie so much? Because it is funny and cheezy in alkl the right ways. Stupid? Oh you better believe it.

I’m going to past the Wikipedia plot summary for you because I’m not doing it any justice. Here’s what ol’ Wikipedia has to say about this wild ride of a film:

The Crater Lake Monster is a 1977 B-movie horror filmdirected by William R. Stromberg for Crown International Pictures, and starring Richard Cardella. The script was also written by Stromberg and Cardella, and their affiliation withThe Crater Lake Monster marked the zenith of their careers.[1]

The storyline revolves around a giant plesiosaur, akin to theLoch Ness Monster, which appears in Crater Lake, next to a small Oregon town. As people are attacked by the monster, the Sheriff (Cardella) investigates along with a group of scientists in order to stop the creature.

The best thing about this movie has to be the stop motion effects of the creature – much better than I expected (but not great in any way shape or form).

I freakin’ liked it, but I won’t necessarily suggest it, lest you hate it and blame me.

Check out this trailer and you judge for yourself:


Abraham Lincoln VS Zombies (2012)

Abraham Lincoln vs Zombies (not to be confused with the theatrically released Abraham Lincoln Vampire Killer) was exactly what I thought it would be: A silly throw away horror/fantasy/alternate history piece of schlock.

The movie starts with Abraham as a boy, fighting some zombies with his father, who succumbs to the Zombie menace, leaving young Abraham to destroy those Zombies.

Cut to later day, the President, Abraham Lincoln discussing his need to address the troops and the nation at the location of the battle of Gettysburg (you know, “Four score and seven years ago…”), when he gets word that the Zombies he experienced as a boy have risen again. Knowing this menace from personal experience, Lincoln gathers a group of men together to go and capture a Confederate fort at the middle of the infection in an attempt to destroy those infected before the disease manages to spread to the rest of the already divided nation. Of course, Lincoln himself, the Commander in Chief, must lead that small group himself. That group includes John Wilkes Booth, Lincoln’s future assasin. Along the waythey run into Sonewall Jackson and a young Teddy Roosevelt.

This silly piece of movie is not great in any way… But actually managed to be better than I expected. It’s not the worse thing I’ve seen by a long shot. If you are looking for a completely silly (but not funny) movie, then this might be for you. I watched it on Netflix, so I didn’t pay much for it – and that is a good thing. I’ve also seen this disc at Wal-Mart in the cheap bins so it’s not hard to find, if you find it necessary to watch. Check out the trailer to see if it appeals to you.

Here’s the Trailer:


Grizzly (1976) – 18 Feet of Gut Wrenching Jaws Ripoff

You know  that saying, so bad it’s good? Well, I think that applies here.

My wife suggested this movie for the blog. She saw at the drive in  with her parents and brother when she was a kid and said it would be perfect for this blog. She was right (as usual).

What is Grizzly? Simply it is Jaws with the woods as the ocean and a gigantic Grizzly bear as the shark. Really. I mean it. Almost scene for scene, this is Jaws with a bear, a lower budget, worse script and no Steven Spielberg.

A giant Grizzy (in an area that’s not supposed to have Grizzlies), starts killing and eating campers like they’re going out of style. A park ranger that cares is trumped by his boss that has his own agenda… you know: like mayor of Amity in Jaws. They send out a bunch of random, drunken hunters to hunt down the bear against the wishes of the park ranger – like the fishermen trying to earn the bounty on the shark… In Jaws. It goes on… hell even the music is similar. Low Budget Land Jaws.

CLAWS!!!

Now, don’t get me wrong, I liked this movie. Sure it’s dumb but that’s exactly what I expected. This was one of many movies made in an attempt to cash in on the hoopla (yes, I said hoopla), that was created by Jaws. The fact that it was a scene for scene attempt at a copy was just a bonus. Should you watch it? Oh HELL yeah. It’s even easy to do, as I just noticed it is on Youtube, though I’m not sure for how long – check out that link below the clip below.

Here’s a few minutes from the movie:


Krull (1983) – Perhaps they Meant Krap?

Wow… I always wanted to see this movie. Hell, I had lots of people tell me I should watch this movie and were kind of shocked when they found out that I hadn’t seen it already. To all those people: You are all fools: this movie is a boring, sucky piece of crap.

Swashbuckling meets Sci-fi, with a dash of Liam Neeson and a whole boat load of suck. A planet gets invaded just as peace is about to breakout with the marriage of a crown price of one kingdom and a princess of another – Princess gets kidnapped by a bad guy who wants to marry her himself,. Throw in some renegades that turn good, some magic shit, a spider lady/seer. 

Oh my gawd, this was painfully crappy to watch. 

To be a little fairer, I am going to paste the Wikipedia plot write up so you can get a better idea of the plot. Here it is:

Plot

The planet Krull is invaded by anomnipotent entity known as “The Beast” and his army of “Slayers”, who travel the galaxy in a mountain-like spaceship called the Black Fortress. Prince Colwyn and Princess Lyssa attempt to marry and form an alliance between their rival kingdoms in the hope that their combined forces can defeat the Beast’s army. A prophecy foretells that Lyssa would bear a child destined to rule the galaxy. The Beast, intent on preventing the galaxy from falling to a rule of a single man, has his Slayers attack the wedding before it is concluded. The castle of Lyssa’s father, King Eirig, is destroyed and the Kings are murdered. The Kingdoms’ armies are devastated and the Princess is kidnapped.

Colwyn, the only survivor apart from some horses, sets out to rescue his bride under the guidance of Ynyr the Old One. He must first find “the Glaive”, an ancient, magical star-shaped weapon, which he retrieves from a high mountain cave. Next, he must track down the Black Fortress, which teleports to a new location every day at sunrise. He is joined by a powerful but awkward shapeshifting magician, Ergo “the Magnificent”, the cyclops Rell (who knows the date he is to die), and Torquil, the leader of a band of ten fugitives that includes Kegan, Rhun, and Oswyn. Colwyn enlists the convicts’ aid and in return offers them their freedom as their reward.

Colwyn and Ynyr get help from the blind prophet the Emerald Seer, and his young apprentice Titch, to find the Black Fortress. However, the Beast has the seer killed before he can tell the Fortress’ location. With time running short, Ynyr journeys to the Widow of the Web for aid. The Widow is actually an enchantress, also named Lyssa, who loved Ynyr long ago and was exiled to the spider’s lair for murdering their only child. The Widow reveals where the Beast’s fortress will be at the next sunrise. She also gives Ynyr the sand from the enchanted hourglass that kept the spider from attacking her. Ynyr returns to the group to reveal the news before he loses the last of the sand, which kills him.

Colwyn and his followers use captured Fire Mares (the only transport fast enough to reach the teleporting fortress in the same day) to reach the Black Fortress, but are attacked by Slayers, who kill Rhun. When they get to the Black Fortress, Rell uses his massive strength to hold open the huge doors long enough for the others to enter. He dies when the entrance closes, crushing him. Kegan is killed by a Slayer shortly afterwards and Colwyn gets lost in the labyrinthine interior. When the Slayers try to kill Titch, Ergo magically transforms into a tiger and kills the Slayers, injuring himself while saving Titch’s life. Torquil and Oswyn are caught in a trap with slowly closing walls studded with massive spikes.

Colwyn injures the Beast with the Glaive and finds Lyssa. He is unable to recover the Glaive from the Beast’s body. Lyssa realizes that her ability to project flame can finish the beast. The two use the flame to slay the Beast and they make their way out of the crumbling Fortress, finding Torquil and Oswyn and retrieving Ergo and Titch. Colwyn uses the fire to blast his way out of the Fortress, which collapses and disappears. Colwyn names Torquil as Lord Marshal, which Torquil accepts. As the heroes depart across a field, the narrator confirms that they will rule the world and their child shall rule the galaxy.

Blah blah blah… I hated it.

Here is the trailer:


Earth vs the Flying Saucers (1956) – Classic Cheezy Us vs Them Sci-Fi

Well, this was a fun way to start my day.

1956’s Earth vs. the Flying Saucers is a fun, silly typical Aliens vs Us style movie that was popular in the 1950s – but this one is a little more watchable than many others.

For the most part standard fare: Several satellite launches have crashed to Earth for no apparent reason. Soon reports of UFO sightings start popping up around the world. A group of scientists who were working on the satellite launch problems receive a radio signal that they cannot interpret. Soon a UFO lands and the Military attempt to to attack it with no luck. The weapons used against the ship have no effect against it’s force field, and are themselves hit with a ray that makes them disappear (a little reminiscent of the movie adaptation of War of the Worlds from the 50s).

Eventually communication is set up between the scientists and the aliens who explain that they are coming to Earth to colonize it. Not a good thing for us Humans!

So, the scientists develop a weapon to use against the aliens… just when all seems at a loss…

So, yes it is a dumb 50’s sci-fi film, but I’m not sure why, but it was somewhat more compelling than most. Definitely a fun watch and available freely on line – find that link after the clip below.

Here is the Trailer:

And Here is the whole movie: