The Site For B-Movie Lovers

Krull (1983) – Perhaps they Meant Krap?

Wow… I always wanted to see this movie. Hell, I had lots of people tell me I should watch this movie and were kind of shocked when they found out that I hadn’t seen it already. To all those people: You are all fools: this movie is a boring, sucky piece of crap.

Swashbuckling meets Sci-fi, with a dash of Liam Neeson and a whole boat load of suck. A planet gets invaded just as peace is about to breakout with the marriage of a crown price of one kingdom and a princess of another – Princess gets kidnapped by a bad guy who wants to marry her himself,. Throw in some renegades that turn good, some magic shit, a spider lady/seer. 

Oh my gawd, this was painfully crappy to watch. 

To be a little fairer, I am going to paste the Wikipedia plot write up so you can get a better idea of the plot. Here it is:

Plot

The planet Krull is invaded by anomnipotent entity known as “The Beast” and his army of “Slayers”, who travel the galaxy in a mountain-like spaceship called the Black Fortress. Prince Colwyn and Princess Lyssa attempt to marry and form an alliance between their rival kingdoms in the hope that their combined forces can defeat the Beast’s army. A prophecy foretells that Lyssa would bear a child destined to rule the galaxy. The Beast, intent on preventing the galaxy from falling to a rule of a single man, has his Slayers attack the wedding before it is concluded. The castle of Lyssa’s father, King Eirig, is destroyed and the Kings are murdered. The Kingdoms’ armies are devastated and the Princess is kidnapped.

Colwyn, the only survivor apart from some horses, sets out to rescue his bride under the guidance of Ynyr the Old One. He must first find “the Glaive”, an ancient, magical star-shaped weapon, which he retrieves from a high mountain cave. Next, he must track down the Black Fortress, which teleports to a new location every day at sunrise. He is joined by a powerful but awkward shapeshifting magician, Ergo “the Magnificent”, the cyclops Rell (who knows the date he is to die), and Torquil, the leader of a band of ten fugitives that includes Kegan, Rhun, and Oswyn. Colwyn enlists the convicts’ aid and in return offers them their freedom as their reward.

Colwyn and Ynyr get help from the blind prophet the Emerald Seer, and his young apprentice Titch, to find the Black Fortress. However, the Beast has the seer killed before he can tell the Fortress’ location. With time running short, Ynyr journeys to the Widow of the Web for aid. The Widow is actually an enchantress, also named Lyssa, who loved Ynyr long ago and was exiled to the spider’s lair for murdering their only child. The Widow reveals where the Beast’s fortress will be at the next sunrise. She also gives Ynyr the sand from the enchanted hourglass that kept the spider from attacking her. Ynyr returns to the group to reveal the news before he loses the last of the sand, which kills him.

Colwyn and his followers use captured Fire Mares (the only transport fast enough to reach the teleporting fortress in the same day) to reach the Black Fortress, but are attacked by Slayers, who kill Rhun. When they get to the Black Fortress, Rell uses his massive strength to hold open the huge doors long enough for the others to enter. He dies when the entrance closes, crushing him. Kegan is killed by a Slayer shortly afterwards and Colwyn gets lost in the labyrinthine interior. When the Slayers try to kill Titch, Ergo magically transforms into a tiger and kills the Slayers, injuring himself while saving Titch’s life. Torquil and Oswyn are caught in a trap with slowly closing walls studded with massive spikes.

Colwyn injures the Beast with the Glaive and finds Lyssa. He is unable to recover the Glaive from the Beast’s body. Lyssa realizes that her ability to project flame can finish the beast. The two use the flame to slay the Beast and they make their way out of the crumbling Fortress, finding Torquil and Oswyn and retrieving Ergo and Titch. Colwyn uses the fire to blast his way out of the Fortress, which collapses and disappears. Colwyn names Torquil as Lord Marshal, which Torquil accepts. As the heroes depart across a field, the narrator confirms that they will rule the world and their child shall rule the galaxy.

Blah blah blah… I hated it.

Here is the trailer:

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s