Baseketball (1998) – A Movie Too Long – Much Too Long

1998’s Baseketball movie, from Trey Parker and Matt Stone had a good chance at being good (enough), but failed by being too freakin’ long.

A spoof of sports and sport movies, Baseketball started off reasonable well with quite a few silly laughs… BUT IT NEVER FUCKING ENDS!!! Just like the ridiculously long post season in their made up sport, Baseketball – a combination of basketball and baseball – this is just stupidly long for the amount of story.

I don’t know, but if someone were to take out the extraneous stuff and compile it into a more concise, 60 minute or so video, then this would be way more watchable.

Here’s what Wikipedia has to say about it (there WILL be spoilers – too bad):

At Game 6 of the 1977 World Series, Joe “Coop” Cooper catches Reggie Jackson’s third home run in the stands and proclaims to his best friend, Doug Remer, that “One day, I’m gonna be a big sports star.”

16 years later, Coop (Trey Parker) and Remer (Matt Stone) are 23 and unemployed and about to have their gas shut off. They arrive uninvited at a party hosted by a former high school classmate of theirs. After finding out that their classmates have grown up and moved on with their lives, Coop and Remer find themselves outside drinking beer and shooting hoops on the driveway basketball court. There, two other former classmates challenge them to a game. The two see that their opponents are very good at basketball, so they say they will only play a new game they picked up “in the hood”. Clearly making this new game up as they go, Coop originally proposes the game Horse, but changes it tobasketball with baseball rules: shots made from different locations count as singles, doubles, triples, and home runs, and missed shots count as outs. During the challenger’s first shot, Coop “psyches” him out to make him miss; this is another rule made up on the spot. A “psyche out” can be anything said or done that makes the offense lose their concentration and miss their shot. Essentially “BASEketball” is a hybrid of “Horse,” “Around The World” and a lot of trash talking. Coop and Remer continue playing their new game, “BASEketball”, and add a third member to their team, Kenny “Squeak” Scolari (Dian Bachar).

Six months later, people come from miles around to watch them play the game they created against other neighborhood teams. Ted Denslow (Ernest Borgnine) shows up to propose creation of the National BASEketball League (NBL), with numerous rules in place to prevent the sport from deteriorating as other sports had done: teams cannot switch cities, players cannot be traded, and individuals cannot make money via corporate sponsorship deals.

Five years after creation of the league, the NBL is in full swing with stadiums, teams, fans, and a major championship (the Denslow Cup). During the 1997 championship, Denslow, who is the owner of the Milwaukee Beers for whom Coop and Remer both play, chokes on a hot dog and dies. Denslow’s will grants Coop ownership of the Beers for one year; if they do not win the next Denslow Cup, ownership reverts to Denslow’s widow Yvette (Jenny McCarthy).

The owner of the Dallas Felons, Baxter Cain (Robert Vaughn), wants to change the league rules to allow teams to move cities and players to switch teams, but could not accomplish this while Denslow was alive. Yvette would have been willing to comply had she been given ownership of the team, but Coop refuses to accept any of the proposed changes. Cain and Yvette work together to make sure the Beers will lose the next Denslow Cup and Yvette will win ownership of the team.

In a private conversation at Cain’s office, Cain tells Remer that Coop has said no to Cain’s plans without talking to the other members of the Beers. Remer then goes to the Beers behind Coop’s back and tells the team what he learned from Cain. After Remer and the other members of the Beers confront him, Coop agrees to split all decision making with Remer and the team. The team continues to agree that the rules should not be changed. Coop also seemingly enters into a relationship with Jenna, despite Remer’s attempts to get between them.

Cain cuts the funds to Jenna’s foundation, forcing Coop and Remer to ask Cain for help. Cain suggests creating a clothing line and sending the proceeds to her foundation. Coop is entirely against it, but Remer, as part team owner, immediately agrees, and becomes so obsessed with his newfound fame that he alienates Coop. After they win the league semifinals, Cain informs Coop and Remer through photos that their clothing line has been produced through child labor inCalcutta. If the public learns about it, the team and Jenna’s foundation will be ruined. Cain threatens to show the photos to the public unless Coop and Remer lose or skip the Denslow Cup game. Jenna learns about the child labor scandal and breaks it off with Coop. Coop blames Remer for the mess and they have a falling out, and Coop decides to go to Calcutta to resolve the situation.

Coop replaces all the child workers in the factory with adult workers and makes it back just as the fifth annual Denslow Cup begins. The Beers start with an abysmal performance, failing to make one hit in six innings. At the seventh-inning stretch, the Beers are down 16–0. After a moving speech from Squeak, Coop and Remer reconcile their differences and Yvette breaks off her alliance with Cain. Coop, Remer, and Squeak finally get back into the game and start scoring.

In the bottom of the ninth, Remer is on second, Squeak is on third, and Coop is up when his custom-made BASEketball (La-Z-Boy) pops. Joey brings Coop a new custom-made BASEketball made from a Barcalounger. Coop misses, but successfully completes the conversion, which is considered a home run for the win and the Denslow Cup. He meets Reggie Jackson after the game, who wishes him luck in the next season. Coop and Jenna reunite while Remer hooks up with Yvette, as the team happily carries Squeak on the Denslow Cup. 

So… I dunno, watch the movie if you want, as there are laughs, but to be honest, I wish I had spent the time watching something else.

Here is the trailer: