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Chopping

Battle of the Damned (2013)–Dolph Lundgren Kickin’ Zombie (like) Butt With Some Cool Robot Sidekicks

Battle_of_the_DamnedWell, this was surprisingly fun. 2013’s Battle of the Damned stars Dolph Lundgren as Major Max Gatling, who with his small group of mercenaries are hired to extract a rich company boss’ daughter from within’ a zone of a city overrun with zombie like (fast zombie like) disease victims.

This movie was another that I just didn’t expect much at all from, but was actually surprised by how entertaining it actually was. The story: A guy is hired, along with his mercenary buddies to save the industrialist daughter, endangered by zombies (sort of) from withn’ a city full of those beasts. She’s found refuge with a group of survivors, lorded over by a well meaning but jerkish leader by the name of “Duke.” Duke is convinced no one can make it out alive, and tries to make sure that Gatling doesn’t risk any of his group, going so far as to leave him handcuffed to a post, exposed for the zombies to get… But of  course Gatling is too bad ass to die that way. Escaping (with help), they of course run into some robots who are very happy to take orders from Gatling. Next up: Robot versus Zombie action.

Okay, silly? Maybe but awesome? Definitely. If you like a good action movie, Zombies and Robots, well this movie has it all. Does it deserve any awards? Oh hell no – but is is fun and I heartily recommend it! Check out the trailer below:


Calgary Horror Con 2013 Was Amazing!!!

Thank you to everyone that made the Calgary Horror Convention an AMAZING event. A fantastic lineup of guests, including a reunion of the cast from the fantastic 1990 remake of Night of the Living Dead: Bill Moseley, Tom Savini, Patricia Tallman and Tony Todd,


Basket Case Trilogy (1982,1990,1992)–Hilariously Ridiculous

coverWow… I had never heard of the Basket Case movies until my buddy suggested we watch them about a month ago. Well, last night we finished the last of the three movies and I have to say that I was left pleasantly surprised at how much these movies entertained me.

The Basket Case movies tell the story of two Siamese, or co-joined twins, separated in childhood. One twin, Duane Bradley (played hilariously cheezily by Kevin Van Hentenryck) is a fully formed, mostly normal looking guy, but his brother, Belial, is a disgusting blob of flesh with one dangerously powerful arm and, a very strong leg and a disturbingly human face with a mouth full of jagged, dangerous teeth. Belial is a dangerous character who is understandable unbalanced. Spending most of his time in a basket (hence the name of the movies), he and Duane have a psychic bond and can communicate without words). Duane and Belial were separated against their will when children in a horrific home surgery. Now Belial and Duane are looking for revenge on the doctor’s that did the brutal operation. Belial, extracting his revenge – this little guy is a damned efficient killing machine – having killed a large number of people, gets into a scuffle and he and Duane fall out a window together. Apprehended and brought to a hospital, they both escape.

Basket Case 2 picks up where Basket Case  left off – now Duane and Bradley find themselves in the home of Granny Ruth (played by Annie Ross), a woman who has taken it upon herself to provide sanctuary for horribly and bizarrely deformed people. The cast of strange creatures is interesting and funny – I thing the creature designer on this film most likely had a great time. This is a place where Belial can feel at home and not have to hide from the world. Duane, though is having a tougher time fitting in, as he feels like the outsider. That said, he manages to fall in love with Granny Ruth’s assistant, Susan (played by Heather Rattray), a seemingly normal young lady – and it seems that she loves Duane, too. Also, Belial finds love himself when he falls for a similarly mutated Eve. Soon Granny Ruth’s sanctuary is threatened by a sleazy reporter and photographer. Duane and Belial decide to organize the ragtag group of mutants into an efficient and deadly defence. After saving the day, Duane and Susan start to get it on… and Duane finds out the real reason Susan stays with Granny Ruth. Duane flips out and goes off the mental deep end (and something happens to Susan)… And the movie ends. Oh, I can’t forget to mention the weirdest love scene ever between two lumps of mutated flesh.

Basket Case 3, starts the moment Basket Case 2 ends. Duane wakes up to find himself in a straight jacket, calling out to whomever claiming that he’s all better now. Granny Ruth enters his padded cell and explains how long he’s been there and why. She also gives him some good news: he’s going to be an uncle, as Belial has impregnated Eve. Eve, being massively mutated, is starting to go into labour, and Granny Ruth is concerned that she may require medical attention. She packs up the entire group of mutants into a school bus and they take off to a sympathetic Doctor referred to as Uncle Hal. Uncle Hal has been taking care of a genius, multi-armed mutant, Little Hal. Duane, still a loose, mildly crazy loose cannon, is trying to escape at any cost. Meanwhile Eve Gives birth to a…a lot of little Belial copies, despite the fact that Belial loses it and attacks Uncle Hal (due to a flashback). Getting the attention of the Sheriff’s daughter, who he stupidly trusts, he soon finds himself behind bars, while the stupid deputy’s decided that they want to capture Belial for a reported $1,000,000 reward offered by a rag newspaper. Yeah, well that doesn’t go very well and one escapes with his life and a basket full of baby Belial looking offspring. The mutants aren’t going to stand for that, and they launch a brazen attack on the jail in order to save the babies. Things get even weirder.

Okay, these are low budget movies that leave a lot to be desired. That said, I really enjoyed them. Duane is an unbelievable silly character that while fake, is super fun to watch. Belial is such a weird character that it’s hard to find him scary, and the gallery of mutants under Granny Ruth’s roof are very… crazy. Still, I really liked these movies – they have a certain charm that is very rare in the horror genre, and if you can suspend your sense of disbelief, you might just have a good time watching these crazy movies.


Remake Week Movie #3–Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

Texas_chainsaw_massacreGood remakes may be hard to find, but I’ve been doing pretty good lately.

2003’s Texas Chainsaw Massacre (TCM), revisit’s Tobe Hooper’s ground breaking horror classic of (almost) the same name (add “The” to the beginning of the original), and gives it a great, modern refresh.

Inspired very loosely on the horrendous crimes of Ed Gein in 1950’s Wisconsin,  TCM tells the story of a group of young 20 somethings on their way to a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert in Dallas. Along the way they stop and pick up a dazed, confused woman who is walking around in the middle of the road by herself, almost unresponsive. They take her into the van in order to get her some help, but in a short time she kills herself using a pistol that she had concealed… Forced to look for help from authorities, they drive into a small town…and perhaps Hell on Earth.

What ensues is a battle between this group of youths and a hillbilly clan that seems un escapable. Call the Sheriff? Sure – too bad he’s mixed right up in this hillbilly killer family. No matter where they turn, the group finds themselves deeper and deeper in crap -  One by one, they fall gruesome victims to Leatherface and his family.

If you haven’t seen the original, you can still watch this movie without missing anything, but seeing the original’s stature in the horror world, you would be doing yourself a dis-service. Is this better than the original? Well, it really is good – maybe not as important as the original – but possible as good. Jessica Biel does a great job (and looks great), and the rest of the cast is good to.

Watch it!

Here’s the trailer:


Hansel and Gretel Get Baked (2013)–From Out of Nowhere Comes a Surprisingly Entertaining Retold Tale

HGBakedWell, I have to say that when this movie popped up on the list of titles that Netflix recommends me to watch, I wasn’t very enthusiastic about it. Then yesterday afternoon I received an email from a reader of the blog strongly suggesting that I watch it, saying that they were surprised at just how fun the movie was. Grudgingly, I decided to watch it for myself – And I am glad I did.

Hansel and Gretel Get Baked (HGGB) is a 2013 release that I am guessing was released to ride on what could have been the wave of a bigger budget Hansel and Gretel movie that seems to have actually fizzled – that’s okay though, as this movie is fun in it’s own right.

HGGB tells the modernized tale of a brother and sister duo, Hansel and Gretel, who go off on a quest to save Gretel’s stoner boyfriend who disappeared after going to get some more killer “Black Forrest” pot from a little old lady who has gained notoriety from the incredible quality of the weed she is selling. Turns out the little old lady, Agnes (and played quite well by Lara Flynn Boyle), is actually a Witch that uses the weed to lure teens to her home where she capture a select few to harvest their youthful essence, restoring her youth, and also uses their bodies as mulch to help produce the high quality pot.

The movie was much better than I expected with good production quality, plenty of gore and half decent acting – way more than I would expect from something with a title like this. I have to say I was actually pleasantly surprised at just how good this movie really is. Sure, it’s pot humour, but it’s also a horror and a comedy – watch this one folks!

Here’s the trailer:


Chopping Mall–Bad and Entertaining… Badly Entertaining? (Watch the Whole Movie Below)

ChoppingmallSo, while going over a list of cheezy movies from the 1980’s, my buddy suggested we watch Chopping Mall, a Sci-Fi horror from 1986.

Well, we watched Chopping Mall, and though I remember seeing the cover art on a video cassette sometime in the past, I really had no idea what it was a bout – I thought, with a name like Chopping Mall, that I was about to watch a slasher movie – I was wrong.

Chopping mall tells the story of a group of people who decide to have what appears to be a make out party in a furniture store where a couple of them work, after hours. Little did they know that the mall was deploying their state of the art robot security force that night… and that a lightning strike would be causing issues, turning the ‘bots into all out killers. Using what was designed to be non- lethal devices (Tasers and tranquilizers), the malfunctioning ‘bots head out to secure the mall.

One by one we see a couple of the partiers taken out by the ‘bots until the remaining people clue in as to what is happening and try to stop the ‘bots. Loading up on weapons from the sporting store in the mall, they soon learn that the ‘bots are tougher that they thought. It’ll take more than just a shot gun shell and some anger to destroy these machines. Managing to destroy one by tricking it into a booby-trapped elevator spurs on out partiers… but one bot kill is not a trend and this won’t be easy.

Luckily this movie isn’t very long (72 minutes in total), and while not good, is entertaining, if you are like me and can stomach cheezy movies. Make sure you keep an eye out for B-Movie girl. Barbara Crampton (from Re-Animator as well as many more horror films of the 80’s).  If the movie went longer though, I doubt I would have liked it. It has a weak premise, the characters are not ones I sympathized with, but I still found it watchable. Check it out yourself if you are so inclined. Here’s the trailer to help you decide, and if you like what you see, just below that is the whole movie (let me know of the link stops working, please).

Chopping Mall (1986) – The Trailer

 

Chopping Mall (1986) – The Whole Movie: