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Posts tagged “horrible

Zombie Babies (2011) – No. No! No! No! No!

Okay… so I watched this movie. Yep… I watched this movie.

My very good friend and movie watching buddy suggested we watch this micro budget film (made for less than $1000), after he read a review in Rue Morgue Magazine. Yep… And we watched it.

The gist of the story? A group of freaks are holding a budget “Abortathon” offering very low priced abortions for one night a year. A number of stupid couples decide to take them up on the offer. The babies are aborted, but a leaky still with a special mixture spills out on the pile of dead fetuses, causing them to become murderous, gross zombie creatures. The people that die die in stupid, horrible ways, but that’s okay as you’ll probably end up hating them anyway.

This whole movie should have been aborted.

Good on the makers for making a movie for under $1000, bad on them for making this movie for under $1000.

Don’t watch this piece of shit. If you have to, here’s the shitty trailer for this shitty movie.


A Nightmare on Elm Street Vs. Friday the 13th – Two Iconic Horror Franchises

Happy Hallowe’en my fine feathered freaky friends. Today I would like to briefly discus and compare two of the biggest horror franchises of all time: A Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the 13th. I have recently completed rewatching both series, and while I love both, I would say both are not equal. Both series are iconic: show someone a cheezy goalie mask or a glove with  knives as nails and most likely they will know what movie franchise it came from. 

Friday the 13th, the original movie, was released in 1980, taking the horror world, and pulp culture in general by storm. It tells the story of a young, mentally challenged boy who drowned due to the negligence of counsellors at the summer camp, Camp Crystal Lake, and the revenge extracted by is crazed mother. This movie introduced us to the character of Jason Voorhees (just Jason from now on), but what many people forget (or don’t realize) that Jason isn’t even in this first film. It’s the second film that we finally get to meet Jason, but even then he’s not wearing his Goalie mask – he acquires that in the third film when he takes it from the ”Prankster” of the group. The Friday the 13th Series continued for 11 movies, including the cross over film Freddy Vs. Jason – 12 if you include the 2009 remake (or re-imagining). Along the way Jason evolves a little, going from a creation of his mother’s sick and twisted mind to a burlap sack wearing killer, then gaining his mask. At one point he’s able to from body to body as an evil spirit. Hell – he even ends up in space. Some things that don’t change are the facts that no matter how slow he lumbers, Jason will catch his victim and no matter how dead Jason seems to be – he’s not. Jason is a relentless killer, but not an intelligent killer. He gets the job done, but he doesn’t think much – but he doesn’t need to. At first it’s not apparent that he’s a supernatural being, but soon it becomes apparent that he’s not mortal, seeing that he cannot be killed. Many, if not most of Horror’s cliches have originated from this series. He’s the original unkillable killer.

A Nightmare on Elm Street debuted in 1984 and introduced the world to Fred “Freddie” Krueger, a vicious child killer, murdered in a fire by residents of his town seeking justice when a legal loophole set him free. Freddie has found a way to infect the minds of his victims by entering through their dreams. Sporting his now famous gloves with knives on the tip of each finger as his primary weapon, if Freddie kills you in your dreams, you’re dead in real life. The Nightmare series had 8 stand alone films as well as the crossover film, Jason Vs. Freddie and a remake/reimagining of the film from 2010. Freddie, from the start is a supernatural being that haunts the dreams of his victims, and unlike Jason, has a working mind – he’s devious, and taunting. Yes he has a working mind, though it doesn’t seem to work that well.  Just a side note: the original film starred a young Johnny Depp – He dies in a extremely bloody scene.

Both series are great. Sure, not each movie of each series is great (hell, some are just downright bad), but as a whole, each are important to the horror genre – changing the entire genre in their own ways.I have to say I prefer the Friday the 13th series over the Nightmare series for one main reason: Remember when I said that Jason was mostly mindless and Freddie had a mind? Well Freddie’s mind, while working, is a silly mind. His taunts are silly and his puns are worse. With Jason, he’s just going to kill you – he’s not going to make some dumb, silly pun or taunt you in a ridiculous manner. He’s just going to keep coming until he gets you. Still – I like both series and say that if you are a fan of horror then you should watch both series. If you don’t then I argue that you really can’t consider yourself a connoisseur of the genre.

What’s your view on the two series?


Slugs (1987) – Oh My God – Don’t Watch This

1987’s horror (I think they meant horrible), movie Slugs is another waste of time.

A town, built on a toxic waste dump (no, this isn’t Tromaville), has become infested with carnivorous slugs that are travelling through the sewer system, killing the residents. If only they were all killed before this movie was made.

Bad special effects combined with even worse acting make for a particularly  crappy movie – and I like bad movies.

Word to the wise: Just watch something else.

Here’s a trailer for those compelled to watch:


Not of This Earth (1988) – Horribly Horrible Movie

Oh my god… this was freakin’ painful to watch. 

1988’s Not of This Earth is a horrible remake of the already horrible Sci-Fi Roger Corman film of 1957. Since the original was horrible, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that this film was horrible also… But this horrible? Ugh.

A dying member of a dying alien race is on Earth and has discovered the elixer that can prolong his and races life: Human blood. Using his amazing glowing eyes to take control of the minds of his victims. It looks like he might be unstoppable.

He (the alien) hires a local nurse (played by the sexy Traci Lords) to administer transfusions from legal sources of blood, while at night he supplements with the blood of his victims (mostly hookers).

Aside from some tits and ass shots, this movie really has no redeeming value – even to me, a huge supporter of shitty films. I say don’t freakin’ bother with this shitty film.

Here is the trailer:


Galaxy of Terror (1981) – Better Cast Than Script

I was warned that this was a super bad movie, and that there was no way in Hell I would like it.

I liked this stupid movie.

On a rescue mission, a ship and her crew are set out to a planet run by the Planet Master. Once on the planet, the crew is quicky subjected to terrors…terrors based on their own fears.

This is a Roger Corman production with a few names that eventually became pretty big in the movie industry. A pre-Freddy Krueger (even pre-Willie from V), Robert Englund, star of a huge number of movies and TV shows Sid Haig and lets not forget Erin Moran a.k.a. Joanie Cunningham from Happy Days. Oh…and what is most surprising to me, James Cameron (Titanic, Avatar) as Production Designer and Second Unit Director.

Very cheezy, and much of the back drops look like bad paintings, still there is a certain charm to this film. None of it makes sense, but all of it was fun. Like many of the movies on this blog, the verdict is, if you like bad movies, you`ll like this. It didn`t win any awards, and didn`t deserve to, but it is fun. Watch this piece of crap if you have time.

Here is the Trailer:

And looky here – here`s the whole movie:



Flash Gordon (1980) – So Bad, It’s Almost Good

I remember being very excited about seeing this movie when I saw the first trailer. I was either 10 or 11 years old at the time when I saw it. I was so excited that I think I may have convinced myself I wasn’t disappointed, because years later I remember looking upon it with derision when thinking about it. I watched it again tonight, not expecting much and I wasn’t disappointed.

This 1980 sci-fi send up of the classic comic strip/radio/movie serial of the same name is a silly thing – very silly. I think that we definitely have to take in to account that Flash Gordon himself, as a character and his adventures were silly – a product of silly times – so I guess a silly movie is what one should expect. Unfortunately, the makers of this film skipped silly and went straight to stupid, completely skipping silly.

The movie starts with Ming the Merciless (portrayed by Max von Sydow) playing with the fate of an insignificant planet – Earth. 

American Football star Flash Gordon (Sam J. Jones )is on a small, private air plane where he meets female reporter Dale Arden (Melody Anderson) when the plane finds itself in the middle of a beam from the evil Ming the Merciless. The plane is violently buffeting when Flash goes forward to the pilots cabin to inquire if all is ok – there he finds that the pilots have been sucked out the window and the cabin is empty. Flash takes the yoke and is able to bring the plane down in a controlled crash landing – into a scientists home/lab. That scientist, Doctor Zarkov ( quickly forced Flash and Dale into his rocket ship he just happens to have ready to go to save the Earth from the new, evil forces that are causing the moon to movie out of it’s orbit causing havoc and threatening the Earth. Blindly, the three hurtle towards Ming’s fortress. Soon captured, they are brought before the spectacle that is Ming’s fortress. Once there, Flash starts fighting Ming’s men – he sucks until he manages to get ahold of something vaguely football shaped object, then suddenly he can kick ass. He does  a cheezily good job of taking out  a number of Ming’s guards/minions (with a little discreet help from the leader of the Hawkmen. Eventually Flash is overpowered due to sheer numbers of enemies and is captured again. The three are separated – Dale to be Ming’s new wife, the scientist to have his mind wiped and Flash to be executed for his show of defiance in Ming’s court. During his little act of defiance, Flash managed to capture the eye of Ming’s daughter, the Princess Aura, who manages, with the help of a scientist that is infatuated with her, to fake Flash’s death, having him woken up once away from Ming. She then leaves with Flash and heads to, Arboria, the kingdom of Prince Barin (played by Timothy Dalton). Barin, unhappy about this, as he has eyes for  Princess Aura  – is hell bent on making life crappy for Flash. He soon forces to make Flash take part in some potentially deady rite of passage that involves thrusting one’s hand into holes in a large tree trunk  where one may or may not be stung by some venomous creature that lives within. Flash fakes him out – they fight Flash flees and Barin follows.  They are soon caputred by the Hawkmen – long time rivals of the people of Arboria. 

Meanwhile, Zarkov (who managed to foiled Ming’s scientist’s attempt at brainwashing, escapes with Dale, but are soon captured by the Hawkmen and brought before their leader, Prince Vultan (Brian Blessed who portrayed the Emperor Augustus in the great I Claudius mini series). Any way, Flash and Barin are forced to fight to the death, on a weird disc shaped platform that moves and has spikes. Flash gets the best of him, but spares his life gaining his fealty. Ming’s forces find out where they have escaped to and soon recapture the group – the Hawkmen taking off to Arboria instead of helping fight Ming’s forces.

Ming tries to offer Flash control over Earth, as he is impressed by Flash’s defiance. Flash refuses of course, manages to escape and contacts Prince Vultan who has had a change of heart and is ready to join the battle against Ming.

A big, cheezy battle between good and evil soon takes place, and of course all the good people live happily ever after.

This movie, if you are expecting a well made, comic based adventure, can be brutal. Bad acting, bad writing and a low budget does not a good movie make. Still, if you go into it expecting a cheezy spectacle of nonsense, then you might actually enjoy it. I have to say, this time, I liked it. Recommend it? No… warn you away from it? No. If you can put up with the lion’s share of the movies I post about here, you might have some fun. Oh yeah: and the entire sound track is done by the british rock band Queen.

Check out the Trailer:


Dear God No! (2011) – Dear God, Don’t Watch this Crap.

This was a waste of time. Really, this movie is a piece of crap.

I’ve been a fan of the new wave of pseudo-Grindhouse movies of late, but this crap just doesn’t do it at all.

Outlaw bikers killing indiscriminately, and evil scientist and actors that can’t act. I want to punch eveyone involved in this movie in the face.

I think this is a part of a new genre that I will coin, Craphouse.

Don’t watch it – but here’s trailer for this piece of shit:


Zontar – the Thing From Venus (1966) – A Schlockfest – But it’s Free

Oh, this is another bad, Public Domain Sci-Fi movie I found of the Internet Archive. There really aren’t many redeeming values to this movie other that it’s campiness and silly creature design. It’s god bad acting galore and next to no busget – I think it fits on this page perfectly.

So, the US has launched a Laser satellite that Zontar, the thing from Venus needs to complete his plan to come to Earth and take over human kind. One scientist is working to help Zontar (under the belief that Zontar means to help mankind) and another scientist works to thwart Zontar’s plans. Throw in the military, some rocket scientists (including one played by Jeff Alexander – star and antagonist of Curse of the Swamp Creature – another terrible film I spotlighted here on this blog a few weeks ago).

I’m not going to spend much time on this film other than to say that it is one of many films available freely and legally as it has lapsed into the public domain: watch, copy and distribute it to your heart’s content – no one owns it any more). Was it good? Oh, hell no. Was it watchable? Well, I watched it. Should you watch it? Hey, that’s up to you. If you want, the whole damn thing is available here:

http://archive.org/details/Zontar_Thing_From_Venus


Evilspeak (1981) – There Might Be a Reason Clint Howard Rarely Stars in a Film

I watched this movie back in 1982 or so on HBO or Cinemax and really liked it – then I watched in again in 1990 and was not so impressed. I watched it again last night, and while still not impressed, I liked it better than in 1990. The main reason for liking it a little better – a newer cut with more left in it.

This is not a good film. Not worse than many profiled on this blog so far, but still not good. Stanley Coopersmith, (played by Clint Howard), an outcast, geeky orphan enrolled in a military academy, alway being picked on by the more co-ordinated and popular students finds an ally in Satan, through Esteban, and ancient priest that turned to Satan and was cast out of the Church a few centuries before. Coopersmith, while cleaning out the cellar of the old church on campus discovers an ancient book that is the writings of this Estaban. 

Using the school’s trust Apple II computers, Coopersmith translates the ancient book and after a few false starts raises Satan/Esteban and rains Hell down on those that made his life… err… Hell. Along the journey he gains a dog, loses a dog, gets threatened and gets revenge on “Sarge” – a seemingly dangerous old drunk and more.

This film was banned in the United Kingdom for years due to it’s gory climax and Satanism. Still, this film manages to stay boring. Watch it if you like, but it gets no recommendation from me.

Here is the trailer:


Trippin’ (2011) – Don’t Bother

Watched the 2011 Stoner/comedy/horror attempt last night and really wish I didn’t. Three couples head out to a remote cabin and bad things happen. Like we’ve never seen that plot before. BORING BORING BORING. For most of the movie, nothing interesting happens, and then when something potentially interesting happens, they find a way to portray that in the most boring possible way. I mean… has the creator of this movie never watched another movie? I hope they NEVER get a chance to make another movie. Creating a turd like this is inexcusable – and this from a guy that LIKES bad movies. To the makers of this move I say go friggin’ screw yourself.

This is a horribly boring waste of time.

*EDIT: Here’s a link to the crappy trailer:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A8pS3JYKyDc